Ten years of marriage has made some things much easier and other things much harder.
In a way, it’s made very hard things much easier. For example:
M or U: Should we move?
U or M: No, remember the last time, how you lost [random thing that M or U really liked] and you wished we’d never moved?
M or U: When you’re right, you’re right. We made that mistake once, let’s never make it again.
Another example:
M or U: Should we have kids?
U or M: No, remember the last time we were at the park, how those kids [hogged the swings or got the last ice cream cone from Mr. Softee, depending on whether M or U posed the question]?
M or U: When you’re right, you’re right. That was terrible. Imagine how horrible it would be to live with such selfish monsters.
But being married this long also seems to make very simple things much harder. I’ve seen newlyweds float into dreamy-eyed formation and snap 30, 60 photos together, all of which could signal the credits of a sappy romantic comedy. But for us oldlyweds, taking a photo together is no longer so easy.
Because a picture is worth a thousand words, I was relieved to discover that, unbeknownst to us, my sister chronicled this phenomenon live and on film (and by film, I mean iPhone, of course). With great thanks to her, this picture-story presents the 30 Steps of Bickering a married couple of ten years or more must complete in order to get a nice photo together at a family wedding. (These photos are presented in full and in the order in which they were taken.)
STEP 1: Begin arguing over which side you want.
STEP 2: Pretend to listen to the other’s logic.
STEP 3: Try to remain pleasant, even though you just want to take the damn picture.
STEP 4: Swap places pretending to listen.
STEP 5: Call him out on only pretending to listen.
STEP 6: One of you poses as if the picture is to be taken as you want it to be.
STEP 7: Close eyes to avoid seeing what you are seeing.
STEP 8: Resume arguing, but with your eyes closed so only he can see the ugliness.
STEP 9: Try to reengage in negotiations for an amicable resolution.
STEP 10: Realize that there will be no amicable resolution.
STEP 11: Stare at each other in hostility and disgust.
STEP 12: One of you decides to take matters into your own hands.
STEP 13: Begin moving into the place you want despite the other’s clear objection.
STEP 14: Wonder silently to yourself how you are going to force him out of your seat.
STEP 15: Look aggrieved and scared for no apparent reason. (Expression of witnessing a dinosaur walk into the room optional but recommended.)
STEP 16: Resume argument, but include animated hand gestures to demonstrate escalation.
STEP 17: Keep moving and arguing recklessly.
STEP 18: Throw your hands up, but have no real intention of giving up this fight any time soon.
STEP 19: Make your big move.
STEP 20: Lose track of how long this has been going on.
STEP 21: Bully your way into the seat you’ll probably decide you don’t want after all.
STEP 22: Be glad there are witnesses around so she can’t be too mean to you.
STEP 23: Take a moment to reflect on your priorities.
STEP 24: Look at one another and wonder why you even wanted yet another picture with that face to begin with.
STEP 25: Decide you’ve come this far, so you should just take the damn picture.
STEP 26: Realize that you will not look taller in this seat, despite your best hope.
STEP 27: Point out that she does not look taller in that seat, despite her best hope.
STEP 28: Be glad that you won’t be able to hear how annoying you both are in the photo.
STEP 29: Take calm and casual photo, as if the photo is of no significance whatsoever.
STEP 30: Review the photo, be disappointed in the hideous background, and repeat Steps 1 through 29 facing the other way.