A friend, through tears, explained the tragedy in the end before her: She never thought she’d have this, she never thought she could deserve this thing, and for all the while she had it, during every minute it was hers, she felt lucky. I followed what she said closely as she drew me this map. She pointed to a place, the exact place where Happiness lives. She found Happiness at the corner of Never and Now, and not only will she find it again, but you and I can find ours there too.
As I have on this blog for over 5 years, I am looking at myself, examining what I’ve done, said, become. I show up here to write my story with eyes open wider for this written take. But until now, I’ve never cut open the cadaver of my happy self after it has passed to see what’s inside.
To prepare for this post, I tested my friend’s directions. I looked back at times I felt happy, and she’s damn right. Happiness, when it is genuine and giddy, is where Never and Now meet. For a simple example, I never thought I would have a cat because my husband has an allergy and everyone I know hates them. But now, as Black Cat snuggles and snores on my lap, pushing my glowing laptop keyboard beyond a comfortable typing distance with her inhales, I am happy. This moment was impossible, but I am in it.
I will not devolve this post into a humble brag about lofty goals I’ve achieved or count out the times I reaped the rewards of suspending the belief in Never briefly enough to reach Now. We’ve all had those times, we all keep the rewards that prove they happened. We all know that high. That’s joy.
Instead, I will tell you about a Never I have never told you about before. I never thought I would find my life philosophy. I’ve tried many times to figure out my personal formula. Crack the code and unlock certainty in steps, security in prediction, confidence in selection. I’m sometimes paralyzed by the ambiguity of choice. I overthink and undercook because I’d rather do something twice than get burned once.
“There’s no right answer,” I’ve said lately in the face of exceedingly difficult adult problems. I’ve said this when I really meant to say, “There’s no happy answer.” In those times, happiness softens an important decision’s concrete foundation of reason, logic, and order. The more permanent and important a decision feels, the less room happiness has in it. Selling a house, choosing life-altering care for a loved one. When I don’t know what else to do, I count things, like money, statistics, comparables, pros and cons. I’ll find things and count them, then I’ll find more things and count those too. My brain will count itself to career moves, family planning, or the end of a friendship. And when I can’t count well enough to find a higher score, I say, “There’s no right answer.”
But there is. The right answer, the happy answer is the one that I don’t dare to waste a wish on because it should never happen. It’s the one that takes me beyond countable measures. I’ve only started to work this out, but it seems that I need to stop counting and implement a new life philosophy: Find the corner of Never and Now closest to where I stand, get there as fast as I can, and stay as long as possible.
I’m aware that seeking out things that never ought to happen may be dangerous. Like, I believe deeply I will never go to prison, and if that Never meets Now, I’m certain I would not find happiness sharing a cell with a convicted felon. There are lots of bad Nevers, but the same way I didn’t list joys in this post, I won’t list the many sorrows of rare diseases, late-found diseases, diseased luck that I never saw coming. I’ll try to steer clear of these unforeseeables, I’ll do the best I can.
But even in the midst of those bad Nevers, when the sorrows hit me hard, with my new philosophy, I have a plan and the power to do much more than pursue a temporary, fleeting joy. I will never go prison, but if I wind up there somehow, maybe I’ll be a star inmate with a stellar “in-(the big)house” counsel position that pays handsomely in cigarettes and hair dye. That’s the point of this philosophy. I don’t know what Happiness will look like because it is unfathomable to me until I reach it. I know only that I will find it and sit in it until I am pushed to the next stop.
So, I might never win the lottery, publish a bestseller, do the splits, take a month long vacation, fit into my skinny girl jeans again, or speak French fluently. I’ve got better places to be any way.