I read like other people pick their nose, alone and comfortable in it. Like other people run, at the quickest pace and allowing the fewest shortcuts for the greatest return. I never leave my home without at least one book because the weight in my bag is grounding. I strum pages when I’m anxious. There is nothing I enjoy or value over reading, so it seems appropriate to offer real reading suggestions from time to time as a thank you for reading this blog’s words when so much better is out there.
A Place to Stand by Jimmy Santiago Baca is the best validation of my obsession with literacy. In this memoir, Mr. Baca shares how he taught himself to read in a maximum-security prison cell with a book he stole from a guard. He stopped shanking other prisoners and began writing poetry when a kind pen pal mailed him a dictionary. He credits the written word for giving his life meaning, for saving it. In the documentary of the same name, we meet others who became members of Mr. Baca’s unlikely inside gang of poets. He refaced poetry from being the weepy wimp of writing to the hardy but not hardened ex-con of literature. By the time he walked out of his cell into freedom, Mr. Baca was published nationally and he continues to write words worth your time every day. Learn more about him and his work here. Learn more about the documentary here.
But aside from good old-fashioned books and poems, I favor another, lesser-celebrated literary source. I admit with some shame that I love reading online reviews of unassuming places and things, like strip clubs and toasters. I read these works because someone took the time to tell these stories of the human condition and I walk away with something I didn’t have before. I cannot describe these blurbs with justice, so I set a few here for your benefit. (I have not edited any part of these works and I claim no ownership.)
Yelp Review of Lido Room by Anthony L.:
I Have to admit, I have been out of the whole ‘Lap dance’ scene for a few years, recently, I went to the Lido Room to meet a friend. I went in, and was enjoying a drink and some food, My friend hadn’t shown up, and I was about to leave when I saw big daddy Lou coming in. I remember him from back in the day, and I stayed around hoping to also see Porn star Alexia Moore (she used to be at his parties in the old days) Sadly, this event was nothing like what I expected, and not nearly as good as what I expected when I saw Lou walk in
Yelp Review of Penthouse Executive Club by Thomas S.:
The girls are really hot. Expect to drop a lot of money. The dancers are extremely, extremely friendly. I mean women are drawn to me naturally, so I’m not sure if you’d have the same luck.
And I’m not joking. The steakhouse is great. Very expensive, but the food was well prepared. I recently fulfilled my dream here. I always wanted to have a steak in one hand and a stripper giving me a lap dance in the other. This was achieved. Having said that, I will never eat at a strip club ever again probably.
Bottom line: Hottest strippers in New York. Most money you will ever spend at a strip club. If you’re charming and decent looking, you’ll get far. That last sentence is just good advice in life really.
Amazon Review of Urban Rebounder Trampoline with Workout DVD & Stabilizing Bar by L. Posey:
Couldn’t open it
Another Amazon Review of Urban Rebounder Trampoline with Workout DVD & Stabilizing Bar by “Amazon Customer”:
Well… I discovered trampoline and loved it! But… after two weeks training I had brain contussion… I think the bouncing of this trampoline is too jarring, not soft enough. So… I suggest you be carefull using it. It also makes a lot of noise because of the springs and have a bad smell because of the use of plastic;
Amazon Review of Greenco Super Strong Foldable Step Stool for Adults and Kids by J. Dollon:
On a perfectly flat surface this stool can probably handle 300 lbs, but on light gravel (e.g. using this to unload a mountain bike from the roof of a car) it crumbles like dust. To be fair, the manufacturer does not market if for this purchase, but buyer beware.
Yelp Review of the Holland Tunnel by Mel M.:
I like driving through this tunnel. It’s like being in your own video game car race or in an awesome car chase scene in a movie. Until reality says, ‘you are screwed if you have car problems in here.’ It’s still a fun 5 minute ride through a fantasy world. These got to be the cleanest walls in NYC.
Amazon Review of Chefman RJ31-SS Stainless 2-Slice Toaster, Silver by Brian:
This isn’t a toaster; it is a magical device which turns flat sheets of wheat dough into edible, delicious bits of crunchiness covered in butter and jelly. My husband likes to use it for toaster pastries, but he also sets it on the bagel setting so they come out darker than he is… but hey, who am I to judge. It’s also pretty good for English muffins. It’d be better if the pop-up springing had a little more oomph so that when my muffin finishes cooking it can be flung directly into my mouth, but I’ll use my hands, since I have no other option.
Another Amazon Review of Chefman RJ31-SS Stainless 2-Slice Toaster, Silver by Demetria W.:
Thank you for the prompt delivery of my stainless steel toaster. The item is exactly as described and I am very much delighted. You cannot beat the price. It blends in well with my other stainless steel kitchen items. If you are looking for simple, nothing complicated, you will not go wrong with this purchase. A great wedding or Christmas gift. I tried to go a while without a toaster because I am not much of a bread eater. However, I have been embarrassed more than once, when a guest has requested toast. Turning on the oven and waiting for bread to toast is a bummer. Thanks again. I am happy and will not be accused of being a penny pitcher, misery person again.
Amazon Review of Men’s Utility Money Clip Pocket Knife Nail File Scissors Stainless Steel Tool (think of a money clip and Swiss Army Knife combined) by S. Meade:
I carried a money clip identical to this one for over 20 years and the spring for the scissors broke. I paid $1 for that one at a Radio Shack. I was glad to be able to find a replacement…..wish my salary had gone up 20 times.
Amazon Review of California Home Goods Premium Large Ice Cube Tray Silicone [3-Pack] by Martha R.:
THE THREE ICE TRAYS, IT TAKES FOR EVER FOR THEM TO FREEZE THE ICE! NOT HAPPY WITH THEM AT ALL!
( I BOUGHT THESE ON AMAZON )
I JUST GOT YOUR LAST EMAIL, AND I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I HATE THOSE ICE TRAYS! IF I HAD THE MONEY TO SEND THEM BACK TO YOU I WOULD!!! THE ICE IS HARD TO REMOVE FROM THEM, AND IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR ME BECAUSE I HAD A STROKE! IF I HAD LISTENED TO MY HEART THE FIRST TIME, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE METAL ICE TRAYS, WITH THE HANDLE TO PULL UP TO GET THE ICE OUT!!! JUST LIKE THE ONES I GREW UP WITH! WHAT A BIG MISTAKE I MADE BUYING YOUR ICE TRAYS! ONE OF THE ICE TRAYS SPLIT ON THE CORNER SHORTLY AFTER I GOT THEM, AND I DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO RETURN THEM!
Another Amazon Review of California Home Goods Premium Large Ice Cube Tray Silicone [3-Pack] by ByvDaWg:
These ain’t your momas ice cubes fellas. Beware Titanic, these babies are icebergs in your drink. I was originally concerned that i was going to have a hard time getting these beasts out of their home. The packaging even says to run them under hot water for a couple seconds. They come right out with a little squeeze from the bottom, no hot water necessary. The cons: Takes forever to melt. Take up a fair amount of space in freezer. The pros: Take forever to melt. Protip lookup how to make perfectly clear ice cubes. Makes these monsters even more impressive. Bonus: The squared eqges make them easier to hold on to if you use them in slightly less conventional places…..
Amazon Review of BigMouth Inc The Donut Mug [a coffee mug shaped like a donut] by Miss Judyon:
I got this for my boyfriend because he loves doughnuts. It’s very cute however the handle is very small and makes it difficult to hold when it’s filled with hot beverages. I think it would be cute on an office desk to hold pens but if you have an ungrateful boyfriend I wouldn’t recommend getting it for beverage drinking.
If I haven’t convinced you yet that reading is the single best thing ever, maintain hope. More to come shortly.